A Chinese Immigrant Mother with Two Queer Children Now Embraces Life as a Grandmother

Janice Lee, an immigrant from Taiwan and mother of three, never expected that two of her children would one day come out as queer. She was left questioning why.

 Her daughter came out first during her college years, sharing that she was bisexual. “I didn't take it too seriously,” Janice said. “I thought maybe she was just exploring — perhaps influenced by the open environment on campus.”

About a year later, her son, who had just graduated from high school, came out during a dinner: “Mom, I’m gay,” he said.

It caught her completely off guard. 

In the U.S., about 685,000 adults identify as both Asian American or Pacific Islander (AAPI) and LGBTQ+ according to the UCLA Williams Institute. Chinese Americans make up a significant share, navigating the complexities of cultural adaptation, minority identity and intergenerational expectations.

How do families balance love, tradition, and identity?  In many immigrant households, changes are taking place, as parents like Janice are breaking cycles of shame and silence.

Parents often struggle

“Why are two of my kids gay?” 

In the weeks following her son’s declaration, Janice was overwhelmed with questions.

“Is it something from my side of the family? Or their biological father’s genes？Did I cause this? Was I too strict as a single mother? Was my son ever hurt by someone?  Why would anyone choose to live a life like this?”

Her internal questioning reflects a broader struggle among many Chinese immigrant parents, who confront cultural attitudes and biases when their children come out as LGBTQ+. 

One study interviewed Taiwanese parents and concluded that parental reactions to their child coming out were dominated by emotional unrest and lingering concerns regarding their child’s future. For immigrant families, these difficulties are compounded by the stress of adapting to a new culture.

Yi Zhang, a therapist at Chinatown Service Center’s Behavioral Health Clinic in Monterey Park, who worked with families of LGBTQ+ individuals, noted that some parents lack a basic understanding and often confuse sexual orientation—who someone is emotionally or physically attracted to–with gender identity, which is how someone sees their own gender. “Some see LGBTQ+ identity as ‘a problem of American society,’ or as an act of rebellion,” she said.

“Many parents just want their children to be what they consider ‘normal’ — straight, married, with children.”

Zhang said some parents are also afraid their child will face discrimination, or that being queer will make their life harder. Many came to this country hoping their children would have a better future, and they fear their sexual identity will undermine that.

Research found that upward of 70% of queer youth experience parental rejection of their sexual identity, and ethnic minority youth are at greater risk of being rejected by their parents.

Zhang shared that some parents avoid the topic altogether, even pushing their children toward marriage instead. But in some cases, it’s the child who chooses silence — the parents may already suspect the truth, but the child isn’t ready to open up."

“Some kids worry they won’t be understood, or feel there’s no point in coming out because they already know how their parents will react,” Zhang said. “It often reflects the deeper dynamics of their relationship with their parents over the years.”

Four young Chinese LGBTQ+ immigrants in their 20s,speaking anonymously, shared that while they’re open with classmates and friends, they’ve kept their identity from their parents. They believe their parents wouldn’t be able to accept it, and it would only cause tension, hurt feelings, and a deeper sense of guilt.

A study found that many AAPI youth are living with parents who immigrated to the U.S. and may experience stress associated with balancing dual cultures, having differing levels of acculturation, and not wanting to disappoint parents who made sacrifices for them.

The harms of ‘conversion therapy’

Zhang also mentioned some parents calling to ask about “conversion therapy,” a discredited set of practices that attempts to change sexual orientation or gender identity.

More than half of AAPI LGBTQ+ youth reported that someone attempted to convince them to change their sexual orientation or gender identity, according to the Trevor Project, which focuses on suicide prevention for LGBTQ youth.

Research studies have consistently shown the harmful effects of LGBTQ conversion therapies on mental health and well-being, with outcomes including  severe psychological harm and and suicidal thoughts. The American Psychological Association has stated that there is no evidence to suggest that sexual orientation can be changed through therapy.

LGBTQ youth who underwent conversion therapy were more than twice as likely to attempt suicide compared to those who did not experience such therapy. Yet, the national suicide prevention lifeline for LGBTQ individuals is now under closure following a funding cut announced by the administration on Pride Month.

“Yes, society has progressed. But there is still a belief. There are numbers of people, including in power in our country, who think of LGBTQ as a disease, or as something needs to be converted,” Helen Zia, journalist and activist for Asian American and LGBTQ rights, said in a panel discussion hosted by American Community Media in June, responding to the  polarization and rights rollbacks nationwide due to recent policy changes. 

“It’s not possible to remove our identities.”

However, some key public resources have been removed alongside the shifting political stance. A report called “Ending Conversion Therapy: Supporting and Affirming LGBTQ Youth” was recently taken down from the website of the Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion under HHS with a notice that states:

“Per a court order, HHS is required to restore this website as of 11:59 PM, February 14, 2025. Any information on this page promoting gender ideology is extremely inaccurate, and disconnected from the immutable biological reality that there are two sexes, male and female. “

Since early this year, Zhang has noticed a clear shift: more clients are bringing up political concerns during their sessions—far more often than in the past.

She explains that the declining sense of societal support has fueled growing fear and uncertainty. This isn’t just about public discourse; the effects are showing up in therapy settings. For instance, some assessment forms have reverted to offering only binary gender options. “Changes like that send a message,” Zhang says.

As the sense of safety erodes, Zhang worries fewer people—especially those in marginalized communities—will feel safe enough to ask for help. 

"Mental health is closely tied to the political climate," she says.

A mental health crisis

A 2021 national survey found that 40% of AAPI LGBTQ youth had seriously considered suicide in the past year.

Zia remembers the pain of growing up in silence. “I remember how painful that was to have to be a secret human being,” She said.  “… It was bad, you never talked about it within our families. It's like they didn't exist.”

Zia described the experience of being queer, Asian American, and an immigrant as living under what she calls “triple jeopardy” — navigating race, sexual orientation, and immigrant identity all at once. 

Research from the UCLA Williams Institute shows that 21% of Asian queer adults have been diagnosed with depression, compared to 7% of their non-queer counterparts. The rate is even higher among women, reaching 30%.

A quarter of AAPI LGBTQ youth without parental support had attempted suicide, compared to 16% of those with at least one accepting parent, a national survey found.

“I think for queer children, no matter how old we are, there is always that the greatest, well, for me, anyway, the greatest fear would be that my parents, who I love, would not love me anymore,” Zia said.

One mother’s transformation

Janice’s children were lucky — it didn’t take her long to come to terms with it. She read a lot and made the effort to learn about sexuality and gender identities.

“I gradually realized that it’s mostly biological,” she said. “Looking at it from a scientific perspective helped me accept it.”

“He’s my son. Being gay doesn’t change who he is — it’s just another layer of him. I should appreciate the fact that we’re so close that he felt safe telling me. It actually brought us even closer..”

Janice’s change made a lasting impression on her children.

Janice’s daughter Ruthann now identifies as a lesbian.“My mom told me that she loved me regardless of how I identify. That stuck with me. She gave me no reason to hide and pretend,”she said.

Ruthann said she felt accepted and cherished, as Janice actively participates in her life and embraces her relationship with her partner. “It meant the world to me.I did not have to worry about rejection and negativity. Helped me accept and love myself as well. “

Janice’s son Ryan, who married in 2015, said his mother’s acceptance brought a sense of emotional stability that without a doubt has enabled him to start a family and focus on other aspects of his life such as pursuing his career with confidence.

 “Her actions spoke louder than words,” he emphasized. She had been supportive since he came out, meeting his two boyfriends in college, welcoming his now-husband, and speaking at their wedding…

 “That acceptance and support has increased over time amongst extended family,” he added.

After her children came out to her, Janice began learning more about the experiences of LGBTQ+ people and the challenges they face—especially when their parents don’t accept them. “I really feel for these kids,” she said.

So she had hoped to invite the parents of her son’s friends to come over, share thoughts, and talk openly.

“I thought if I could speak honestly about my experience, maybe it would help other parents feel acceptance,” she said.

Although the gathering never happened, Janice has become more vocal ever since.

“My family is like any other,' she said. 'I want to help normalize it — it’s just a different kind of choice.'

Janice doesn’t flinch when faced with negative comments.“If someone thinks I’m to be pitied because of my children, I just say— too bad for them,” she said.

Zia emphasized that proximity changes hearts and minds: When people realize that their own family members, people they love or know well, might be LGBTQ+. That is what has turned the tide around.

If people don't like LGBTQ+ people, if somebody says, ‘That's my daughter in law, or my son in law, it's like, you can't say anything bad about my family. And I think that is one code that people do understand that if you're going to insult my family member, you insult all of us.” 

Still, acceptance didn’t come as easily for everyone in the family. Janice’s mother — her children’s grandmother — never fully embraced it.

“Although my grandmother and I had an awesome relationship in so far as we could talk about Buddhism in depth. But not about being queer,” Ruthann shared.

Though the silence hurt, Ruthann has come to understand it. “She’s just of a generation that has deeply ingrained trouble accepting queerness. Being queer was an entire world that she had no insight into.” 

An unexpected gift

Janice’s son and her son in law took another big step when they became parents.

Like many LGBTQ+ couples, their path to parenthood was long, complicated, and expensive. At one point, Janice said her son even sold his house to afford surrogacy.

”This wasn’t an accidental thing –it took planning, effort, and sacrifice on so many levels. I really admire him for that.”

Janice played a critical role in this journey. She helped them with research, talked through decisions, and even voted as a family to choose the egg donor. “It was all new to me — I was learning the whole way and kept incredibly busy,” she said. “There was so much to take in, and it was all very exciting.”

Now, Janice has two 5-year-old granddaughters and a 4-year-old grandson. Watching her son step into fatherhood has been one of her proudest experiences. 

“He’s an excellent father,” she said. 

She sees parts of herself in him — he values education, sets clear boundaries, teaches them good manners and not being wasteful. But in many ways, she added, he’s even better: He’s more present with the kids, takes them to explore different cultures and places, and even keeps a parenting journal.

Janice now finds herself reflecting on how parenting styles and cultural values can evolve across generations.

“In Chinese culture, people love to say their kids are “乖”- meaning well-behaved and obedient.’ But I don’t agree with that,” she said. “If a child only follows you, the best they can be is just like you. But if they learn to be themselves, they can go beyond you.”

“My hope,” she continued, “is that all parents let their children be who they truly are.”

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Resources

If you or someone you know is an LGBTQ+ teen in need of support, there are resources available. The Trevor Project offers free, 24/7 mental health help. You can also reach out to local centers like the Los Angeles LGBT Center (323-993-7400) and the San Francisco LGBT Center (415-865-5555). For trans youth, Trans Lifeline offers support from trans counselors at 1-877-565-8860. You can also join safe, anonymous chats with other LGBTQ+ teens at qchatspace.org.

For parents and caregivers, PFLAG offers local support groups and resources. Find a chapter near you. Gender Spectrum also helps families support gender-diverse kids.

If you are in crisis, call or text 988 anytime, or contact the California Youth Crisis Line at 800-843-5200.

This project was supported by the USC Annenberg Center for Health Journalism, and is part of “Healing California”, a yearlong reporting Ethnic Media Collaborative venture with print, online and broadcast outlets across California.